Baby Jail

The phone rings. I take my 11 month old daughter from my hip and set her on the kitchen floor to answer. It is my friend Nate asking if I am available to come by and help him out with a project. “Sure.” I say, “But I’ll have to bring Hadley so would that work?” “Oh!” my friend exclaims, “why don’t you just put her in baby jail?” My friend is, of course, lovingly suggesting I bring along a playpen. Hadley could safely play in her “cell” while we got some work done. I laugh, and pause. “Do you have one of those?” he asks. “Yeah” I reply, “but it won’t work anyway. She won’t stay in there peacefully. Plus, we only use ours for sleeping. No one uses those to play anymore!” 

Nate’s own children are now 17 and 14 years old. Half a generation away from my own, it really feels like the idea of good parenting is changing fast. Like the amazing growth of technology, the acceleration of changes to the idea of a responsible parent has exploded.  Perhaps it is because of, or at east partially due to, the technological advancement that ideas have changed so much. When my own parents were raising my sister and I at the age my children are today, the only thing you could consult outside your own family or friends to gage your parenting skills was a self help book. Today self help is literally in your face all of the time. Not only are the published making suggestions, now, through social networking, texts, emails, we are inundated by everyone’s thoughts and opinions, and we actively subscribe to this!

The present idea of “good” parenting is most likely the culprit to my immediate rejection, and a tiny bit of horror, toward my friend’s playpen suggestion. The idea of using a portable pen to isolate your roaming baby to a small, but safe, area while the rest of the house is deemed fit for adults only, has been abandoned by the current generation of new parents. Our homes have now becomethe playpens. Adorned with toys, soft foam mats, bright colors and small furniture, our homes have become properly inhabitable for very young people. We baby proof, we don’t have white furniture and we neverput out breakable décor. We are assuming our duty as a full time, arms-reach, parent.

Arms-reach. That is the term the large poster at my local indoor playground states in their facility rules. “Parents must be in arms-reach of their children at all times.” Here’s the thing: if parents are in arms reach of their children, at alltimes, there is clearly no need for a playpen, at least for the child’s sake. The parents will keep them safe. Chasing after our speedily crawling infants, running and jumping toddlers, us modern parents are personally making sure our children are safe. We don’t need a playpen to do that for us!

Or do we? Almost every parent group I have attended since my oldest daughter was born three years ago has included the topic of “Self Care”. And almost every time a handful of us are completely stumped, bewildered, at how we might even approach the subject. How does one care for oneself if we are constantly supposed to keep our children safely in arms reach, not to mention stimulated?! This episode of one of my favorite parenting podcasts (Did I catch myself there? I have multiple podcasts I listen to that are entirely on the topic of parenting) talks about how “good” parenting, read: keeping both eyes on our children at all times, actually transcends socioeconomic groups, regardless of income. This basically points out that by our own definition, it is essentially impossible for any parent struggling to make basic needs (be it income, safety, emotional security, resources, social support) to have the physical or emotional availability to be such attentive, “good” parents.

And what about those of us that can keep our children within arms reach? This concept of total immersion into the needs and safety of our children is exhausting. It puts us under enormous pressure and leaves us with no room for our own personal growth or care. In addition to this, we are much more isolated as parents than historically we once were. We live in single generational homes miles, often states, away from our parents. We want our children to be immersed in languages, exposed to skills, learning, as soon as possible. The simple stimulation of a few square feet of playpen and maybe a couple toys is simply out of the question. It’s just not enough. We not only no longer compartmentalize our children, but we no longer compartmentalize parenthood. Our roles once varied become in one swooshing moment encompassed in “parent”.

Wouldn’t the liberation of having a playpen be good for us once in a while? Imagine your baby happily and safely playing in a confined space while we enjoyed a proper moment of adulthood. Would that be so horrible? Maybe I need to re-evaluate my response to the playpen. Do I need to prove to myself that I am a good parent by being immediately shocked and dismissive at its use? Maybe its time to take back the playpen, take back a tiny corner of our home for ourselves, allow our babies some limited freedom to entertain themselves in the safe confines of 4 short walls while we complete a project. Next time I need to finish a project, I’m going to give baby jail a try.